I have been fighting myself all week to blog or not to blog about my recent experience with *Blank* but what I’m going through is more common than I thought and I am always down to express my side of things especially when other people go through it.
A few weeks ago, I knew something was funky with my body. My plan that morning was to wake up and take a pregnancy test from my stash of…..pregnancy tests and you know, pee on it. At this point, I didn’t have to read the instructions, I’m a pro. Hashtag Mommy times 2! Well, the thing showed 2 pink lines and I started to laugh so hard. What was so funny KG? Well, I was pregnant.
I went the whole entire day keeping this secret from my husband because I was going to plan the awesomest way to present it to him. https://youtu.be/lWr7e_uBltI He was so excited. It was quite fun
I continued life as normal. I kept my healthy diet but included 200 more calories to support my little bean. A few weeks passed and I began to bleed very small amounts. I gave it some time. I thought, maybe it was nothing. The next day, I was bleeding heavily and I already knew what was happening. The strange thing was that I was at peace about it.
Later, my husband took me to the hospital. I cried a little and my husband was sad but super supportive and did his best to keep me happy. I sat in the hospital bed just waiting. The nursed would ask why I was there and I simply said I was bleeding with a calm and collective voice because I understood how common miscarriages were.
The doctors ordered an ultrasound to be taken and there it was. An empty gestational sac. Simply put: the pregnancy didn’t develop properly. The chromosomes came together and formed a sac but didn’t form a baby at all. I carried a “Blighted Ovum”.
After the ultrasound, I felt my body rejecting the pregnancy. My husband and I tried to understand God’s reasoning behind this but we couldn’t think of one thing. We simply agreed that we trusted God to determine if the pregnancy was a healthy one and if it wasn’t, we understood why God would allow it end. We had a lot more questions and we didn’t expect any answers. We were okay.
That night after leaving the hospital, my husband and I were alone so we took advantage and bought some McDonalds. We ate and spoke and enjoyed that we were there for each other as husband and wife. Like best friends. My husband took it harder than I did and I think it was because I KNEW that God’s sovereignty over my life was active. I don’t think he understood how common miscarriages were.
As soon as I got to bed, my uterus started to contract painfully. If I cried hysterically at all through this experience, it was because of the actual miscarriage itself. The expelling of the lining of the uterus and etc. My husband held me the entire time until it finally came out. I fell asleep immediately.
Every day after our miscarriage, I dug my nose in scripture. I wasn’t focused on anything specific to miscarriages. God speaks to me when I’m more focused on His character rather than my specific demands. I knew God was aware of my questions within. I just knew I had to wait for an answer. The Lord did speak to me and kept me at peace; just as I was initially.
Last night, I had a dream. I typed it on my phone as soon as I woke up so I was half asleep. Bear with me. I want to keep the actual text.
“I had a dream while Ito was walking up the stairs coming home from work of me putting pictures that I painted up in my house as of my way of expressing closure of my miscarriage saying in my mind “that’s it no more” in my head and I hear happy loud children’s voices saying ” no no try again! Try again immediately! No no try again try again try again. Try again immediately!!” I felt like as soon as my body was back to normal, I try again and I was gunna get pregnant fast. And it’s up to me to choose when my body has recovered. Like I would know. The voices were so excited and was louder than my own voice of doubt. The voice was excited and happy. OMG so weird. Like “no no” stop doubting.
I sent this to my husband and I told him how every time the voices spoke, I felt the message they were saying behind it. For every “no no, try again” I had a doubt in my mind that the voices wanted me to ignore. The voice was telling my heart that it was okay to try again. The Lord had promised me 3 children and I wasn’t sure if I had another chance because I was considered to have been pregnant but at the same time, there was no baby. The voices were confirming to me that I do have another chance. The voices spoke to my heart and said that as soon as I felt my body was ready, I could try again but it had to be soon. “Immediately”. The voices were telling me that I’m trying too hard to understand God’s works and even if God sat next to me and explained it in plain English, it was beyond me; I still wouldn’t understand.
In my dream, not only did I hear the voices but the voices were visual. Every sound wave made a shape or created an object. It felt very angelic, something out of this world. The voices spoke in my left ear and some words were audible but some words were spoken to my heart. Like If my heart and the hearts of the voices was connected and they communicated without spoken words. I think it was angels that spoke to me.
I guess God was once again showing His majesty and awesomeness in my life. I thank God for allowing me to go through this experience because in every step I knew that God was there. This tragedy brought my husband and I closer and I know that we will help those suffering through the same thing. There is always beauty that rises from ashes. I praise God for giving me the peace that is in my heart when I should be suffering and in pain. Thank You Lord for loving me and showing yourself to me over and over again.