If only I could put into words the mess of confusion, love, hope, doubt and excitement I have in my chest right now. I want some of what I feel gone and some of what I feel to stay. How do I open my heart and pick out the emotions I want to keep and toss what I should remove? How do I control the intensity of what is happening in my mind rn? Church would tell me to pray, fast and read scripture. I would tell you I have been doing that but the wrong emotions still find a way to cripple me.
I constantly question God, why do you allow this? Why has life driven me into emotional areas I never wanted to visit? Why do I have to keep finding purpose in my pain just to ease my anxieties?
Life is legit a battle. I have to fight everyday to live a life pleasing to God and deny my flesh of what it does naturally. My mind doesn’t ask for permission to start doubting, otherwise, I would have said no. My heart never confirmed if it was okay with me, Kenia, to reach the wrong direction. I would have said no. But this flesh is at war with what is good, true and noble. This flesh wants to doubt and hurt and sin and rage all without my consent. and its not fair.
We are made responsible for emotions that want to flare up at the wrong time and God forbid we aren’t strong enough to fight at that moment. We are conditioned to blame ourselves for being weak and imperfect but we didn’t chose to be this way. If it were up to me, all the displeasing things that resides in me would be gone but it is embedded in our human nature to sin everyday. Sure, let me ask the grass to stop growing. Let me ask the tree to stop reaching higher. Let me ask the leaves to quit falling to the ground.
I always believed The Cross was enough for me but dangit, why do 99.9% of all yah Christians add conditions to such a powerful, finished work of God. Yall be trying to take away the only hope I have to live at peace with myself.