Keeping Tabs with Me

Listen, I know I’ve hurt you. I know the experience you’ve had with me may have been so traumatic, you’re still dealing with it 9 years later. Trauma lingers and that’s normal.

It seems that my multiple attempts to apologize were never enough. You continuously keep tabs on me as if you’re hungry for vindication. Sit down, close your eyes, take a deep breath and ask yourself, “What do I want from Kenia.”

Honestly Love, there is nothing I can give you to bring you peace. I’ll explain:

9 years ago, I hit my own rock bottom and had my own personal encounter with my Maker. I had my own list of people who I felt needed to apologize to me. I had multiple reasons to plead for God to bring justice on my behalf.

It took years of what I like to call “side quests” to realize that the one who needed fixing was me. I’d be lying if I told you I’m completely healed. I’m not. But what I’m not going to do is lie to myself and act like everything is O.K. I refuse to act like I’m over my pain. I’m not going to continuously keep tabs on the ones who hurt me and lie to myself acting like what I’m doing is not unusual. It is weird

So do you keep tabs on me to see if I’m failing? Honey, I fail every day. Do you feel healed yet?

Do you want to see what I’m up to? You could find out so much more if you just ask. I am currently working, making plans to move to another city, I just bought a laptop, my car has sand all over the floor and seats. I went to the Goodwill this morning and found 2 boogie boards for $7. Do you feel healed yet?

Maybe you need the satisfaction of being/doing better than me. What if I said “Man, I wish I had your life” or “Man, I wish I was you right now”. Think you’d be healed?

That’s what trauma does to a person. You spend so many years of your life trying to get closure. Sometimes closure never knocks on your door and announces its arrival and honestly, that’s ok. Seriously tho, if you have the power to bring your own closure, take the first step and do what you gotta do to make it happen.

See, I’ve exhausted all my efforts and got nowhere so you gotta be ok with that too.

In conclusion, if you’re gunna keep tabs on me, let it be to see how cute my kids are or to *insert positive thing*. Don’t take a trip down Kenia Lane and then respond all ugly. Make the time you have enjoyable. Don’t waste any more of it on trauma.

Published by authkg

It’s just whatever at this point

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