If only I could put into words the mess of confusion, love, hope, doubt and excitement I have in my chest right now. I want some of what I feel gone and some of what I feel to stay. How do I open my heart and pick out the emotions I want to keep and toss what I should remove? How do I control the intensity of what is happening in my mind rn? Church would tell me to pray, fast and read scripture. I would tell you I have been doing that but the wrong emotions still find a way to cripple me.
I constantly question God, why do you allow this? Why has life driven me into emotional areas I never wanted to visit? Why do I have to keep finding purpose in my pain just to ease my anxieties?
Life is legit a battle. I have to fight everyday to live a life pleasing to God and deny my flesh of what it does naturally. My mind doesn’t ask for permission to start doubting, otherwise, I would have said no. My heart never confirmed if it was okay with me, Kenia, to reach the wrong direction. I would have said no. But this flesh is at war with what is good, true and noble. This flesh wants to doubt and hurt and sin and rage all without my consent. and its not fair.
We are made responsible for emotions that want to flare up at the wrong time and God forbid we aren’t strong enough to fight at that moment. We are conditioned to blame ourselves for being weak and imperfect but we didn’t chose to be this way. If it were up to me, all the displeasing things that resides in me would be gone but it is embedded in our human nature to sin everyday. Sure, let me ask the grass to stop growing. Let me ask the tree to stop reaching higher. Let me ask the leaves to quit falling to the ground.
I always believed The Cross was enough for me but dangit, why do 99.9% of all yah Christians add conditions to such a powerful, finished work of God. Yall be trying to take away the only hope I have to live at peace with myself.
70×7 or 70 by 7 symbolizes forgiveness that should happen 490 times per person. Not really. It actually means to forgive always. When you condition your mind to be forgiving at every opportunity, your perspective changes. You become less judgmental when meeting new people, more understanding when hearing their stories and open hearted regarding their struggles and failures. Forgiveness is deeper than the act of releasing someone from the pain they’ve caused you – it’s a lifestyle that molds your character into someone the world really needs in these trying times.
Why start this blog?
Because most people SUCK and destroy others with their words
Because people are hurting
Because hurting people need love
I’m also using this new blog in honor of my old one. I had about 214 blog posts written in a span of 5 years and because of the lack of encouragement and the solitude of my vulnerable mind at the time, I deleted it. I’m not happy about it nor am I sad. I just hope that from today forward, I could be a voice of reason and convince people to never give up on their passions.
I know not many people will read my blog. After 5 years of writing endlessly on my previous one, I know that not even the people close to me would pass by and read. I’m at peace with that. I understand now that I can’t force my insight on someone or expect them to even understand. My interests in books, podcasts and news articles aren’t really shared with many.
My last blog taught me to forgive the people I love who never read any of my writing pieces and To maintain that perspective as I continue to write without an audience. I’m hoping to push towards my writing goals without the approval of others. And if anyone decides to read, I’ll hold tight to their opinions good or bad because these opinions will give me more content.
I have to add this: Another reason for removing my last blog was to also give myself a break and a chance to enhance the way I think and feel. To read more writing pieces and to stray from writing on one topic over and over. It’s almost like an artist who has a creativity breakdown and destroys all their paintings and smashes all their sculptures because they realized the need to change their perspective and how all their art was geared towards one. “Am I THAT basic?” “Am I that uncultured that I missed so many interpretations on how to draw a simple common tree?”
I not only want to touch the perspective of forgiveness either. I want to experience many perspectives with a forgiving mind, heart, and soul. I could be so rigid at times and I want to be open enough to learn from perspectives that I once thought to be reprehensible, shameful, deplorable and scandalous – to open my heart and forgive immediately what I would normally avoid.
No one has to get it. No one has to understand. You might even think I’ve gone astray. But If you see through the lenses of forgiveness, it might just expand your way of thinking to richer, higher yet deeper design.