Prisoner to my emotions but released by the Word

There are days when my emotions consume me and I become a prisoner to them like I’m not even saved. I plead with God to walk ahead of me through the path my emotions tempt me to take so that He could knock down each obstacle cleverly placed to destroy me.

Can you ask God to do that? Can you ask Him to save you from yourself? Could you ask God to be with you when you’re about to make bad decisions? Taboo ain’t it, Christians?

I’ve always been taught that sin removes God from your life and practically leaves you abandoned to your flesh and forsaken to the world.

Heb 13:5 Let your conversation be without covetousness; and be content with such things as ye have: for he hath said, I will never leave thee, nor forsake thee. Heb 13:6 So that we may boldly say, The Lord is my helper, and I will not fear what man shall do unto me.

“I will not fear what man shall do unto me.” Am I not human. Can I boldly say, “I will not fear what I shall do to myself”?

Oh, did you already condemn me – accusing me for taking that verse out of context? Of course you did you self-righteous, cold-hearted person.

Isaiah 41:10

Fear not, for I am with you; be not dismayed, for I am your God; I will strengthen you, I will help you, I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.

Did you make it this far and skillfully gathered a case against me? That I may have fallen victim to the world?

That’s okay. It’s expected. Everything is taken out of context these days. Heck, even saying “NO” can somehow be interpreted as saying “Yes”.

There’s just this power in having LIVED the Love of Christ to confirm scripture to be true as it is written. If you’ve never needed him, you’ll never know Him. Only those who are BOLD enough to expose their own sin to a Holy God will see Grace. Grace is only understood when received

Vision for One. Blind to millions

I’m kinda glad I deleted all my old blogs. I might be repeating myself on here but my ideas and inspiration was tunneled towards one group of people, one type of mentality, one church denomination, one ideation, one culture, one perspective -one- out of MILLIONS.

Working in behavioral health has shown me hundreds of perspectives that I would have otherwise never seen. The stories, the trauma, the struggles, the heartaches, the desperation, the addiction and the pain of family members who suffer alongside our patients. I started to remember my old writings and I couldn’t stand how ignorant I was. I wrote confidently on how much I knew God and how His sovereignty SHOULD look like based on MY experience. My experience! ONE perspective. Mine.

God doesn’t revolve around me.

I’ve seen some sermons on social media and read IG posts with sadness because sometimes, the spiritual advice cannot work for everyone. Ideas and “revelations” inspired by one’s own experiences are not the ultimate solutions to everyone’s struggles. Imagine telling a schizophrenic to listen to the voice of God when they hear many other voices on a regular day. Did your sacrifice to quit wearing makeup work for you? Did it bring you closer to God? I’m not saying it didn’t boost your spiritual life. I’m saying, Don’t force it on anyone else.

God is sovereign in His own way for each person specific to their needs that only He knows. If you’re not spirit led, your sermons have the potential to harm someone even tho you have the greatest of intentions.

Don’t stay blind to the many communities besides your own. There are people out there who don’t know that God loves them but your sermon on the details of a prophets chancleta praying on Mt. Whatever ain’t doin the trick. Open your heart to the genuine need of the people. Put yourselves in their shoes. Understand their decision making. Be compassionate to their bad choices. Empathize with their traumatic past. Show that you care for them and show them a sense of belonging. Don’t make people jump through fire hoops to make the cut. They can’t even meet their own expectation let alone yours.

Let alone God’s.

No answers. Just being

I find myself on WordPress often leaving the app within minutes because I have nothing to write about. I’m thinking to myself asking why in the world would I have nothing to write if I’m inspired by the patients that walk in and out my office everyday. Then the lightbulb appeared…

Writing doesn’t always have to have the answer, a moral, solution or breakthrough. Ideas just need to be written. Feelings just need to be expressed. Stories just need to be told. All without having to end – with a result. Can I end a novel while my character is falling from the sky not mentioning that She landed on a safety cushion. Can She just fall? Can She just fly?

The more I learn, the more I read, the more I see, I realize I just don’t know the answers. I don’t know it all. I don’t know much, period. All I know how to do is be kind. To treat people understanding that they’re going through something I might never know about. I only know how to give you scripture of encouragement. Don’t count on me to speak on your sin. I could only tell you how much God loves you. I can’t tell you about you. I don’t even know you.

I don’t consider myself the ideal Christian anymore. What is ideal? A perfect person? Not I. Can I just love Christ for what He’s done for me. Can I just ask Him to guide me on my day to day? To see my best efforts and turn blind to my faults? Can I just love people because it changes their hearts from stone to flesh? Can I give hope to humanity without feeling pressure on portraying this “standard” of biblical perfection?

If you read this far looking for closure on this piece. I’m sorry. But I’d have to leave you here.

The spiritually incapable need the right guidance from Christians

As Christians, we have this destructive habit to brush off someone’s struggles by telling them to pray about it. Yes, agreed. Prayer can do wonders and provoke miracles from God but how do you tell a baby to feed himself if he does not know how to navigate a spoon?

Pray FOR them.

Doesn’t have to be in their face. Go home and dedicate some intentional prayer for that person.

Find resources.

Whatever the struggle, there must be a resource to fulfill the need. It can be professional help, proper medical attention or help from the state.

I have seen time and time again when Christians shift someone’s crisis off to God when God sent us to be His hands and feet.

Could we learn to see failures as a reality in life and not as a result of poor decision making?

I pretend to be confident on some of my decision making but deep down, I’m always torn. My heart and my mind are never at ease. When I have to make a decision, I quickly try to create an equation that could provide me with answers by simply entering numbers in the place of variables and reach a result that’s indefinite – an answer that is proven to be the ONLY answer. Unfortunately for me, life isn’t algebra, choices aren’t coordinates, and the equal sign doesn’t exist.

So I continue to pretend. I convince myself to always be content with my choices and convert bad choices into lessons. I could dress it up however I want but again, it’s a lie I tell myself to ease my anxieties. I’m not going to deny that I learn from my mistakes in fact, I’m trying to prove that in every path, whether it be good or bad, we are skilled at convincing our minds that we have absolute control of our destinies.

As a Christian, I am always told to pray prior to making decisions. Most of the time, I have to make a choice quickly or someone else has more than 50% say of what I need to do next. Do I tell God to hurry it up and give me immediate guidance? But then, someone else would say that we should never tell God what to do. As I write, I feel most of my anxieties in decision making are because I am conditioned to follow a set of rules of which I only know maybe 2/300 of them.

In the beginning of the year, something occurred to me that I somehow convinced myself to delete 214 pieces of writing that took me 5 years to create. At the time, I thought I was making the right decision because in order for me to improve my writing, I had to let go of what was. I can’t even comprehend where that came from. But it happened and now here I am on blog number 2 of trying to restore myself.

The lie: “Well, I wanted to let go of my past and start anew”. “No one deserves access to my life that doesn’t deserve it”. These are a few things I told myself to make me feel better about dropping my one and only passion and for 2 months, I have deprived myself from what I loved the most.

The lesson here (that I skillfully created) is that deprivation only pushes one towards self-destructive habits. Nope, I wont disclose mine because I choose to keep certain things private but, if I kept myself from writing any longer, I would have gone astray.

{(Had a great Idea to delete all my writings) + or – (This is what God wanted me to do) Times deprivation for 2 months = The beginning of self-destructive habits.}

Seriously tho, life would be so much easier if we’d stop expecting to get it right all the time. Could we learn to see failures as a reality in life and not as a result of poor decision making. We cant sit here and preach of a God who is the restorer of all failures and tell people that failures are consequences of x, y and z

Think about it. Having it right all the time is impossible. It leaves no room for God to intervene. Having it all together promotes self-sufficiency and God is not please with us thinking we have all the control in our lives. But why do we preach on a prayer life that results in correct decision making 100% of the time. Doesn’t God allow room for failure for us to learn lessons? Without failure, we gain no wisdom. So is it correct to think God is going to make sure this life is an easy breeze so long we keep everything in prayer or is He going to allow calamity once or twice to show us that He is sovereign over all?

People Are Indeed Hurting

I wasnt even searching for this position but God guided me here. I am currently working at an outpatient mental health facility and day by day, I’m realizing that God put me here for a reason. I’m learning every day, every hour, maybe even every second something new:

  1. We cannot judge a person’s mental health status based on looks, hygiene, intelligence, clothes, career or financial status. Someone who has been suffering for years has learned how to hide it very well.
  2. Suicide has no preference. You just need to be a person with a brain.
  3. Everyone has some form of mental health issue. I could list each type but i’ll be here forever.
  4. You’re never too good to seek help. Doctors are trained to diagnose and treat whether it be by talk therapy or medication.

People are out there hurting. As Christians, we like to pick and choose who to help based on what society deems “helpless”. A “normal” person shows up to church for the first time and we immediately want to mold them into a “proper” Church member not realizing we’re doing more damage than healing.

We have this idea that in order for us to help someone with mental health issues, we need to be knowledgeable in all types of areas and hold multiple credentials and degrees. You don’t need a diploma to help someone find a local doctor that holds one. You don’t need credentials from your church council to be a friend – to keep tabs on your buddy by texting them “How are you doing today”. “Anything I could do to help?” “Need me to find you a local therapist?”

As I somewhat progress in this Christian thingy, I’m realizing that my heart is geared towards those who are hurting in secret. I’m learning more and more of my purpose and how its not at the church alter but its by loving and understanding one person at a time. I’m no longer trying to fit in to be used in a public way, I don’t need anyone’s acceptance to do the right thing for humanity. I’m def not going to hide who I am because it might not be pleasing to certain people. I can be snotty and have an attitude with a short circuit or like my sis said to me “you have a sneaky attitude”. I have zero tolerance for judgmental people so I call them out in the act. I know it’s rude but so is judging. I really really get irritated with church legalism and I call it out if someone is preaching false doctrine in front of me. Some might say I’m wrong or I should stay quiet. They could be right, but here is where I am imperfect: I’m not gunna keep my mouth shut.

This is Kenia, and welcome to my blog


Don’t take my Hope

If only I could put into words the mess of confusion, love, hope, doubt and excitement I have in my chest right now. I want some of what I feel gone and some of what I feel to stay. How do I open my heart and pick out the emotions I want to keep and toss what I should remove? How do I control the intensity of what is happening in my mind rn? Church would tell me to pray, fast and read scripture. I would tell you I have been doing that but the wrong emotions still find a way to cripple me.

I constantly question God, why do you allow this? Why has life driven me into emotional areas I never wanted to visit? Why do I have to keep finding purpose in my pain just to ease my anxieties?

Life is legit a battle. I have to fight everyday to live a life pleasing to God and deny my flesh of what it does naturally. My mind doesn’t ask for permission to start doubting, otherwise, I would have said no. My heart never confirmed if it was okay with me, Kenia, to reach the wrong direction. I would have said no. But this flesh is at war with what is good, true and noble. This flesh wants to doubt and hurt and sin and rage all without my consent. and its not fair.

We are made responsible for emotions that want to flare up at the wrong time and God forbid we aren’t strong enough to fight at that moment. We are conditioned to blame ourselves for being weak and imperfect but we didn’t chose to be this way. If it were up to me, all the displeasing things that resides in me would be gone but it is embedded in our human nature to sin everyday. Sure, let me ask the grass to stop growing. Let me ask the tree to stop reaching higher. Let me ask the leaves to quit falling to the ground.

I always believed The Cross was enough for me but dangit, why do 99.9% of all yah Christians add conditions to such a powerful, finished work of God. Yall be trying to take away the only hope I have to live at peace with myself.



My First Blog Post

Be yourself; Everyone else is already taken.

— Oscar Wilde.

That quote is part of a WordPress template to get you to start writing. I’m gunna leave it there. Lol

Dont be that person to encourage others to “be themselves” and when they live life as “themselves”, you quickly want to correct them and mold them into something far from who they are.

If you’re going to give yourself freedom to be “you”, then be just as open when your neighbor decides to shave the side of their head to match her artistic nature.

Yup, I shaved the side of my head once and I regret letting it grow out everyday. I compromised who I was to please people who don’t even care about me. I’m still working on not doing that.

Join me in my journey on… not doing that.

70x7perspective @Authkg

70×7 or 70 by 7 symbolizes forgiveness that should happen 490 times per person. Not really. It actually means to forgive always. When you condition your mind to be forgiving at every opportunity, your perspective changes. You become less judgmental when meeting new people, more understanding when hearing their stories and open hearted regarding their struggles and failures. Forgiveness is deeper than the act of releasing someone from the pain they’ve caused you – it’s a lifestyle that molds your character into someone the world really needs in these trying times.

Why start this blog?

  • Because most people SUCK and destroy others with their words
  • Because people are hurting
  • Because hurting people need love

I’m also using this new blog in honor of my old one. I had about 214 blog posts written in a span of 5 years and because of the lack of encouragement and the solitude of my vulnerable mind at the time, I deleted it. I’m not happy about it nor am I sad. I just hope that from today forward, I could be a voice of reason and convince people to never give up on their passions.

I know not many people will read my blog. After 5 years of writing endlessly on my previous one, I know that not even the people close to me would pass by and read. I’m at peace with that. I understand now that I can’t force my insight on someone or expect them to even understand. My interests in books, podcasts and news articles aren’t really shared with many.

My last blog taught me to forgive the people I love who never read any of my writing pieces and To maintain that perspective as I continue to write without an audience. I’m hoping to push towards my writing goals without the approval of others. And if anyone decides to read, I’ll hold tight to their opinions good or bad because these opinions will give me more content.

I have to add this: Another reason for removing my last blog was to also give myself a break and a chance to enhance the way I think and feel. To read more writing pieces and to stray from writing on one topic over and over. It’s almost like an artist who has a creativity breakdown and destroys all their paintings and smashes all their sculptures because they realized the need to change their perspective and how all their art was geared towards one. “Am I THAT basic?” “Am I that uncultured that I missed so many interpretations on how to draw a simple common tree?”

I not only want to touch the perspective of forgiveness either. I want to experience many perspectives with a forgiving mind, heart, and soul. I could be so rigid at times and I want to be open enough to learn from perspectives that I once thought to be reprehensible, shameful, deplorable and scandalous – to open my heart and forgive immediately what I would normally avoid.

No one has to get it. No one has to understand. You might even think I’ve gone astray. But If you see through the lenses of forgiveness, it might just expand your way of thinking to richer, higher yet deeper design.