The result of going through some STUFF

I had a silly dream last night. I was at a high school lunchroom with a bunch of people from my past. In the table across from me, there was a group of girls who first stated that I was pretty. Then, the one girl proceeded to say something snarky about something that I did wrong.

This girl got the short end of the stick with me at that moment. My fuse is quite long but was burned almost near the dynamite and once the sarcastic vibe came out this girl’s being, the fuse had reached it’s end.

BOOM!

I stood before the group of girls at the table and looked directly at Ms. Snooty.

“Listen! I don’t know what’s your problem and I don’t care. I WILL FIGHT YOU RIGHT HERE RIGHT NOW!”

I didn’t care if the other girls jumped in. I was so fed up with the comments and the gossip that I flipped out.

The girl was too scared to move because my reaction was unexpected and serious.

I analyzed the dream once I woke up and realized that I was genuinely tired.

I’m tired of drama.

Of people

Of gossip

Of injustice

Of nonsense.

I see my friends being persecuted and I legit want to step in on their behalf with the same attitude in my dream to defend them.

I see people maliciously attacking my loved ones with words and subliminal messages because of envy and I want to give these people a piece of MY FIST IN THEIR JAW.

But I can’t. They’re not my battles.

You’d think people are persecuting me but out of the 28 short years of my life, no one has ever had the nerve to say things to my face. After analyzing this thing, I learned that it’s probably because I’ve been through some stuff proving that — I’m not scared of anyone.

😒 I’ve been shamed in the worst ways possible and endured- you think I care about someone trying to use shame against me today?

😒 I had groups of people speak poorly of me at once- you think silly little mouth movements hurt me?

😒 I have been heavily mistreated by people that I loved- you think the mistreatment from someone I barely even know discourages me?

When a person has been through some…stuff, it’s hard to break them. The scars & callouses only toughen the heart. Be carful who you try to hurt. That person Who’s been through some STUFF will not back down without a fight.

I understand this post seems to promote confrontation and discord but I have to be real. Before you decide to hurt someone, be careful it isn’t someone who’s already been through some battles and isn’t quick to back down but is ready to stand their ground. THE GROUND that they already fought many battles to keep.

To the person being persecuted:

As hard as it may be, even for myself, let God take all the vengeance. The more we step in, the farther God will walk away from handling it for you. Let Him defend you. Even if you do not see His defense, trust that He is doing something behind the scenes. God doesn’t have to explain His workings to you. You just need to be still and trust. You are allowed to stand your ground but in PRAYER! Let me tell you, it works. ❤️

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Divine isolation

I’ve been in a very long season of isolation. When I say isolation, I mean having no one to bounce my spiritual concerns off of. No one to give me fulfilling spiritual advice. Every prayer, struggle, concern and doubt has always been forwarded to God the Father alone. 

I have friends, yes. But for some odd reason, God pulls me back from them when it comes to my spirituality. Many times I’ve felt so alone and so misunderstood because God has not anointed anyone (other than my husband and Pastor) to guide me. There have been plenty of times that even going to my husband or my pastor has returned to me void. 

It’s not their fault at all and I’m starting to see the light now. God needs me to trust Him. I used to have a terrible habit of feeding off of people rather than the source of my spiritual meal. It’s been revealed to me that this isolation season is over and I’m blogging to tell you that it isn’t terrible to have your own encounter. When you feed off of your friends expierences or grab a spiritual snack from a relative, you always leave missing out on a full course meal. You think youre full, but you’re not super dooper button open belly out full. 

I’ve had a lot of questions, doubts and discouraging moments that have been completely satisfied when I directed them to Him. Give it a shot. Concerns + God – People = Revelation.  

Just a note: My answers were found in scripture every. Single. Time. 

Lam 3:24-30

She believed she could so she did 

Leaps of faith are underrated. We need to make a bigger hype about them because those are the game changers. 
It all started in 2011, a man ministered to me and told me that my career was coming close. It meant a lot to me at that time because I pondered about it over and over in my head. I had already enlisted into the Army, preparing for boot camp and anticipating spending 52 weeks training for my MOS (35W) – Electronic Warfare Signal Intelligence. Might I add: I was super excited to get my butt out there but… I wasn’t going. 

Did I consult the Lord? No. If I had done so, I would not have wasted my time. God stopped me in my tracks. 

How?! 

After being sworn in, standing before the American flag giving my soul to the military, the Lord miraculously ended what I thought was going to be my future. 

I got pregnant.

 
So there I was. In church. Career-less with a small child. I couldn’t go to school and I was in and out of minimum wage jobs. I felt useless. But the Lord told me through a minister that he had prepared for me a career. I wasn’t anticipating it because I didn’t believe it.  
10/2011 I almost didn’t go to the interview. The job offer seemed sketchy. I was 3 minutes late for the interview and I wore a sweater dress. For some odd reason, I got the job. It was an entry level position at a medical billing company helping out with accounting. Within months I was promoted to a claims specialist. 
It was 06/2015, almost 4 years passed and I was ready for change. I wanted to expand my knowledge in the billing field so I took that leap of faith and accepted a job as a billing manager at a Chiropractic office. I learned the revenue cycle first hand which was great but
I hated it. 

Months passed and I found a job at Hoboken, NJ at another billing office. I learned a bit more about commercial insurance but,
I hated it. 

Then came my dream job. I was hired at an actual hospital working as a medical biller. It was tough but I LOVED IT. Unfortunately, it was only temporary. 

My last stop was at a billing office literally pushing paper. I finished my duties and resigned. 
2016 has been a serious rollercoaster as far as my career was concerned. I learned soooo much but I had to go through soooo much to get where I am now. 

Where am I? 

Back at my 2011 job. 
People kept questioning why my job status was always unstable. Listen, if you’re trying to get somewhere in life, you have to do some scary, ground shaking things. I took risks and I came out a pro. I’m at a point that I could run a billing business on my own. (Everything in its time). 

The Lord gave a command and the command came through for me. I am a gosh darn flipping awesome medical biller. I get doctors paid like that 👏🏽. I love what I do. 

Lord, thank you for the lessons. For giving me strength to endure uncertain times. Thanks for guiding me back to where I’m supposed to be. In Jesus name. AMEN! 

Grace Wins

I remember like it was yesterday. Walking to the bathroom for the 4th time in one hour, not to use it but to cry. Never in my life have I ever felt so unworthy like I did at that moment. I was aware that I didn’t deserve God’s mercy. The pain was unbearable. So bad that it was difficult to exhale. Now, I understand that the pain was for a purpose. 

The only way to truly understand what Grace meant, I had to know how it felt to be in need of it. I needed God’s love and favor even though I didn’t deserve it. The best part of this was that God gave it to me. It was a gift. Underserved, unearned and with no conditions. God loved me and found favor in me despite my sins. He gave me victories to many battles and kept me from my enemies. He protected me from further shame and returned what the enemy stole from me (with interest). 

The most sorrowful moments of my life was when God was revealing His mysteries to me. These things don’t come on a silver platter, they come with tears of repentance and a humble heart. A soul aware of it’s unworthiness to stand before a Holy God. 

“There’s a war between guilt and grace and their fighting for a sacred space but I’m living proof, GRACE WINS EVERYTIME”. 

And so it did.  

Praise dance to Grace Wins by Matthew West
Grace Wins by Matthew West-Music video

Remembering Past = Faith for the Future

I love to see how far I’ve come in this Christian walk. I enjoy going back to old blogs remembering how I felt when I wrote them, remembering how some blogs were written out of spite or out of anger. I look back and remembered how I felt; as if I knew it all. No way am I going to knock myself down for it. Those feelings were genuine and just because it isn’t relevant now doesn’t mean that it’s not important. 

It’s sad how we sometimes feel the best solution to our mind battles is to pretend the past never existed. We drown in our guilt from past decision or past mistakes instead of embracing them just as Psalms 77:11 says. 

Is it hard to remember how the Lord delivered us from our errors? Is it difficult to review all the times the Lord blessed us despite of our foolishness. Is it hard to be honest with our mistakes and to not…pretend. I have to admit, these things can be difficult for some including myself. It’s hard for me to admit to MYSELF that I carry envy in my heart. An envy that I still ask God why its presence still exists in me. I’m learning today that God uses my struggle to remind me what He took me out of. To remind me that although people can do what I wish I can do or posses what I wish I had doesn’t mean that I am less than (<). It means that I am not meant to be anyone else. That God has blessed me in specific areas according to HIS will. Not mine. 

See, it’s not terrible to admit to your sin. It’s not terrible to hold onto a piece of your past. It isn’t the end of the word if you be just a little transparent. Being honest and looking back to the days of old shouldn’t bring you to a bad place rather, it should bring you to a new place. A place where you begin to see some change in your being. The way you walk, talk and act. 

No I won’t go back and delete previous blogs or delete previous statuses on my Facebook or remove old photos from my IG. I’m happy. If you don’t like me at my state of growing and learning, than you won’t like me now cuz guess what? 

I am still growing and learning. 

Experience: I thought I knew

These past few months have kept my eyebrows in the raised position for many reasons. I wish I could get into detail but unfortunately I have yet to find the words to explain exactly how I’ve been feeling. Lately, I’ve been asking myself the same question. “You think you know huh? You think you know?”
My answer?

“Ha! Not anymore.”

I have been through plenty of…things in this Christian walk to be able to say confidently that I have some meaningful testimonies. I’ve seen God work in my life firsthand and I share my experiences with others hoping they would grasp an idea of how God functions.

How God functions?!

YHVH is NOT a toy that when you flip the “on” switch, He lights up and sings a tune. He’s not a computer that when you press the “backspace” key, you can delete a letter or a sentence. God is not a television that when you click guide, you can view upcoming episodes. Let me try to explain.

I spoke of God as if I spoke of a “thing” that responds based on my action. If I prayed an hour, my sadness would cease. Yes, He has delivered me that same way but I shouldn’t assume that to be the ONLY way.

Once, I had to make some quick decisions and I fasted for a week. God responded by telling me what my next steps should be. I shouldn’t assume that fasting is the ONLY way to find help in regards to my decisions for my future.

If you give generously, God would bless your finances right? How can I tell someone else to do the same if they have nothing to give?  I portrayed God as some kind of genie.  You rub a lamp and He responds by granting 3 wishes. That he is not.

Why do I sound unsettling? I am. When I pressed the “on” button in my life, sometimes God’s volume went up. I would press the guide button and God would go to channel 5. I would lower the volume and God would play a movie.

I have to admit, there were times I did nothing for the Kingdom, and God responded with blessings as if I’ve done tons of Christian things. God, I understand.

You are not a God of MY personal experience. You don’t maneuver in someone else’s life based on how you moved in mine. I shouldn’t guide someone in their struggle based on how I was guided through my own. Everyone is different and everyone absorbs the matters of God in unlike ways. My job isn’t to determine the best solutions to one’s storm. My job is to express God’s goodness in mine. Not based on what I did but based on what HE did.

God’s ways are not ours. The more we think we know, the less we actually know. Therefore, at times, my response will be, “I don’t know.”

And that’s okay

Blocked

I’ve been wasting so much time on brainstorming. Taking notes here, random scraps of paper all over there and various notes in my cellphone all over the place. In the end, did I write about any of those thought-provoking pieces of a good blog? No. sometimes it takes a whole lot of unnecessary time to finally realize that I’m a right now person. When I’m inspired, rather than finding a piece of paper to note my terrific thought for later, I should write it at that moment.

Now that I have finally recognized the cork that is blocking my flow of capabilities, let’s move on.

Once upon a time,

The end.

I guess the matter here wasn’t just recognizing the cork, but removing it.

 

God kept me

I could have lost my way in so many situations. I’m saying, I could have called it quits to the whole Christian thing. I mean, every possible thing that could go wrong, went terribly wrong. 

Something kept me. Of course I was convinced it was supernatural because what was happening was way beyond my control. If I had any plan to solve something, it would have been spiteful. My personal plans to deal with my pain was to take severe action. I’m talking about fists flying just about every single day. Never have I felt so hostile before but something kept me. 

I understood that as a human being full of sin, I would never know the solution to my crises. I recognized my place in the eyes of a Holy God that I had to step back. “Lord, I’m letting you take complete control.”

There were days that BAM! An atomic bomb exploded making my life worse but I chose to not even lift a finger. I just prayed. 

I always asked God to change me. Life wasn’t in my favor so I had to ask God to change my attitude to conform to the storm in my life. Lord, teach me how to love thunder, to love rain. Teach me to embrace the high winds, the floods. Teach me. Teach me. Teach me. 

Yes. I used my storm. I used the water from the clouds to nourish the flowers that are blooming today. God knew how to handle my enemies better than I ever could have.

 He kept me. God kept me, so I wouldn’t let go. 

Without lifting a finger, vindication was activated in my life. 

Let God. 2 words with enough power to change a life. 

Or

Fight alone. 2 words that can destroy you. 

Choose God. 

Henry 

On the streets of my previous job, there was a man who lived on the sidewalk. He sat there inside of what looked like a fort made of cardboard. He had a large white paint bucket, a stroller covered in a black garbage bag and a blue and white cooler. He sat right in front of the entrance to my job so I saw him every single day. He looked like he made the best of his situation and pretty much made that piece of sidewalk his home. 
One day, it was raining and he was standing under the small awning of my building. Every day he wore a green flight jacket and it looked like he wore lots of layers underneath. When I passed him, we spoke for a little and I ran upstairs to my office. To me, he was a fully concious regular old man. Deep down, I wanted to know more about this man so I decided to make time to talk to him or at least buy him breakfast and make small talk. (Not everyone is willing to tell you their life’s story. Always take it step by step.)

Another morning, I went to Duncan Donuts and bought him a bagel with cream cheese and a medium coffee with milk and sugar.  That day it snowed and, as usual, he was taking cover under the awning of my building.  He cheerfully said,

“The snow isn’t bad at all, see! It slides right off my jacket.” I laughed and said

“You know, you’re right, it’s not even that cold outside.” 

It’s like we both agreed that the day was beautiful and not as bad as people made it seem. 

I gave him his breakfast and he was so greatful for it. Deep down I didn’t feel like I did anything special. I just felt like I did what I was supposed to do. This man was hungry and like any other hungry person that would cross my path, I’d get em’ food. It’s just common courtesy. I wanted to do something that would make a small difference in this mans life but I wasn’t sure. 

My friend Joanna told me that Henry likes black coffee, no milk or sugar. “GOOD!” I thought, “He should get what he prefers. Nothing less. ”

One afternoon, I was eating lunch and I didn’t finish it. My coworker urged me to give Henry my leftovers. I was extremely offended but I couldn’t show it. It wasn’t fair to my coworker who didn’t know any better. I thought to myself, “I would never serve my husband or children my left over food IF I myself had a fresh HOT meal in my belly.”

Henry taught me a lot. He taught me how to be greatful through all circumstances, how to be grateful for everything given to me and how to be specific in my petitions. 

The next morning, I went to Duncan Donuts again and got him his perfered black coffee and a bagel. Before I handed it to him, Henry said, 

” I like black coffee.” I told him,

“Yup! I’m ahead of the game!”

Another coworker heard us talking and said “uhhh. He should take whatever is given to him. He shouldn’t be asking for anything specific! It’s free!” 

Why? Why can’t he ask for black coffee? Is it because he’s homeless. Because you think he is beneath you?! 

Henry, thank you for unknowingly stealing my heart. You have allowed me to discover my purpose. You’ve allowed me to open up my eyes to the true perspective of this world towards humanity. I pray that healing pours through your body and that God removes any sicknessess that disturbs you. Your heart is a lot more cleaner than some people on this earth full of riches. Don’t be discouraged. 

I’m not blogging about this to glorify anything that I’ve done in fact, I’m quite ashamed that I didn’t do more for him. Although, society seems more cruel than loving, I can say that I saw a lot of people take time out of their busy day to help this man. People stopped to give him cash, shoes, food, umbrellas and most importantly, hope. 

I know this entry is all over the place but my expierence with Henry is too lengthy to write. And I’m sleepy.

 Just remember scripture,

Matthew 25:40 

40 “The King will reply, ‘Truly I tell you, whatever you did for one of the least of these brothers and sisters of mine, you did for me.’

Treat your neighbor as yourself and bring a little hope to the next discouraged soul that you bump into. 

-AuthKG

Dont try to understad God, just praise HIM!

I have been fighting myself all week to blog or not to blog about my recent experience with *Blank* but what I’m going through is more common than I thought and I am always down to express my side of things especially when other people go through it.

A few weeks ago, I knew something was funky with my body. My plan that morning was to wake up and take a pregnancy test from my stash of…..pregnancy tests and you know, pee on it. At this point, I didn’t have to read the instructions, I’m a pro. Hashtag Mommy times 2! Well, the thing showed 2 pink lines and I started to laugh so hard. What was so funny KG? Well, I was pregnant.

I went the whole entire day keeping this secret from my husband because I was going to plan the awesomest way to present it to him. https://youtu.be/lWr7e_uBltI He was so excited. It was quite fun

I continued life as normal. I kept my healthy diet but included 200 more calories to support my little bean. A few weeks passed and I began to bleed very small amounts. I gave it some time. I thought, maybe it was nothing. The next day, I was bleeding heavily and I already knew what was happening. The strange thing was that I was at peace about it.

Later, my husband took me to the hospital. I cried a little and my husband was sad but super supportive and did his best to keep me happy. I sat in the hospital bed just waiting. The nursed would ask why I was there and I simply said I was bleeding with a calm and collective voice because I understood how common miscarriages were.

The doctors ordered an ultrasound to be taken and there it was. An empty gestational sac. Simply put: the pregnancy didn’t develop properly. The chromosomes came together and formed a sac but didn’t form a baby at all. I carried a “Blighted Ovum”.

After the ultrasound, I felt my body rejecting the pregnancy. My husband and I tried to understand God’s reasoning behind this but we couldn’t think of one thing. We simply agreed that we trusted God to determine if the pregnancy was a healthy one and if it wasn’t, we understood why God would allow it end. We had a lot more questions and we didn’t expect any answers. We were okay.

That night after leaving the hospital, my husband and I were alone so we took advantage and bought some McDonalds. We ate and spoke and enjoyed that we were there for each other as husband and wife. Like best friends. My husband took it harder than I did and I think it was because I KNEW that God’s sovereignty over my life was active. I don’t think he understood how common miscarriages were.

As soon as I got to bed, my uterus started to contract painfully. If I cried hysterically at all through this experience, it was because of the actual miscarriage itself. The expelling of the lining of the uterus and etc. My husband held me the entire time until it finally came out. I fell asleep immediately.

Every day after our miscarriage, I dug my nose in scripture. I wasn’t focused on anything specific to miscarriages. God speaks to me when I’m more focused on His character rather than my specific demands. I knew God was aware of my questions within. I just knew I had to wait for an answer. The Lord did speak to me and kept me at peace; just as I was initially.

Last night, I had a dream. I typed it on my phone as soon as I woke up so I was half asleep. Bear with me. I want to keep the actual text.

“I had a dream while Ito was walking up the stairs coming home from work of me putting pictures that I painted up in my house as of my way of expressing closure of my miscarriage saying in my mind “that’s it no more” in my head and I hear happy loud children’s voices saying ” no no try again! Try again immediately! No no try again try again try again. Try again immediately!!” I felt like as soon as my body was back to normal, I try again and I was gunna get pregnant fast. And it’s up to me to choose when my body has recovered. Like I would know. The voices were so excited and was louder than my own voice of doubt. The voice was excited and happy. OMG so weird. Like “no no” stop doubting.

I sent this to my husband and I told him how every time the voices spoke, I felt the message they were saying behind it. For every “no no, try again” I had a doubt in my mind that the voices wanted me to ignore. The voice was telling my heart that it was okay to try again. The Lord had promised me 3 children and I wasn’t sure if I had another chance because I was considered to have been pregnant but at the same time, there was no baby. The voices were confirming to me that I do have another chance. The voices spoke to my heart and said that as soon as I felt my body was ready, I could try again but it had to be soon. “Immediately”. The voices were telling me that I’m trying too hard to understand God’s works and even if God sat next to me and explained it in plain English, it was beyond me; I still wouldn’t understand.

In my dream, not only did I hear the voices but the voices were visual. Every sound wave made a shape or created an object. It felt very angelic, something out of this world. The voices spoke in my left ear and some words were audible but some words were spoken to my heart. Like If my heart and the hearts of the voices was connected and they communicated without spoken words. I think it was angels that spoke to me.

I guess God was once again showing His majesty and awesomeness in my life. I thank God for allowing me to go through this experience because in every step I knew that God was there. This tragedy brought my husband and I closer and I know that we will help those suffering through the same thing. There is always beauty that rises from ashes. I praise God for giving me the peace that is in my heart when I should be suffering and in pain. Thank You Lord for loving me and showing yourself to me over and over again.

Life Happens by AuthKG
Life Happens by AuthKG