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Do you still visit his grave?

Me: How does your current husband feel when you bring up your deceased husband?

Yan: He gets bothered because that was my past life and we’re doing new things and making new memories. Thankfully he understands that I may miss him and I may think of him often. I guess he’s not entirely bothered.

Me: Yeah, it’s not like you guys divorced. You loved him fully and then he was gone. The love just doesn’t disappear right? Do you visit his grave?

Yan: No. When I used to visit the grave, I felt worse. I couldn’t find peace to move on. He was gone and I had to continue life all by myself. My kids still needed mommy, bills didn’t stop coming, I just had to somehow find peace and that meant I had to stop visiting his grave.

Me: How did your family feel when you started dating again?

Yan: They didn’t like him because he didn’t have money. He wasn’t taking us from a pit and placing me and my children in a palace. He asked me “Do you want to struggle together” and I said yes. In this life we’re always going to struggle so why not struggle in agreement together? My family didn’t like the fact that I was actually dating again after my first husband passed. Therefore, I moved to another state. Away from my family who kept judging me on top of the pain I was already going through and away from all the people who knew my deceased husband and would look at me with pity every time they saw me. I hated that.

Me: The passing of your husband must have changed your outlook in life. I mean, I could tell because you’re so level headed.

Yan: I don’t pay attention to the new trends, clothing, looks, money, and things. I treat people the way I want to be treated. I take pleasure in the small things.

Life is so much more than what people make it.

Never Compare Yourself

I’m not the best at anything. Jack of some trades, master of none. But there is something about having passion in what you do that gives your work a little boost in comparison with others.

I love to write but my grammar stinks. Punctuation is my enemy. Spelling is like Satan’s plan against my life but spell check is the Blood of Jesus.

Imagine if i compared my writing with the smarty-est smarty pants of the writing world. Girl, I’ll quit right now. But MY perspective is the game changer. My style is like ice cream and Edgar Allen Poe’s style is like Filet mignon. BOTH FOODS ARE AWESOME depending on what you’re craving.

Keep the passion in what you do without comparing yourself to anyone else. You are the only you in this world.

Unless your passion is in math cuz girl, 2+2 will always be 4 and no matter how much passion you got, numbers don’t change. Sorry math ppl.

I can tell

I can tell when someone is pretending to be kind to me.

I can tell when someone is bragging about their success but disguises it with humility.

I can tell when someone is making an effort to prove that they’re better than me.

I can tell

So i let them speak

I play along

I act naive

Because the more they do it, the sillier they look and that’s amusing to me.

Secrets

When you lock up all your deepest secrets,

You will never accept love at its deepest.

When they show you love, how could you believe it?

Because if they knew your secret

They really wouldn’t love you or try to heal it.

The shame will surface and you’ll feel it.

So you keep your secrets a secret.

 

Don’t be scared to let it go

It’s your secret but God already knows.

Open up, let your secrets show.

Healing takes over and mercy flows.

Don’t be nervous just let it blow!

Your secrets to many, are like Gold!

And when someone loves, you feel it whole.

The shame is gone and your face glows.

Sin like scarlet, now you’re snow

when you let your secrets go.

True Convo

My Child! Let’s sit. I missed you so much

I need you to know that you’re loved a bunch.

I know that life has clouded the truth

So let’s start here! tell me, what bothers you?

 

I asked The All Knowing All Powerful and True

Don’t you already know where I’ve been and what I’ve been through?

 

He said of course I do my love, don’t be so confused.

I’d just love to hear from your point of view.

 

I said, I grew up fatherless and the pain stings til this day.

It distorts the truth of who You are, like you’re not here to stay.

He didn’t love me enough to raise me

He didn’t care enough to look for me

He wasn’t there to protect me

He wasn’t there to love me

They say You’re The Father of all who believe

A Father? So that must mean You too will leave.

 

He said, I’m sorry about the gap that put between us.

I want to restore you but you need to trust.

I’m not the son of man that I should lie.

Give me a chance my daughter, don’t pass me by.

 

I yelled, fine I give in! What then do I call you?

God? The Holy one? Master? To me, who are you?

 

He whispered; Call me Daddy to keep you from religious habits.

There is no easy way to do this or grasp it.

We need time, relationship and honesty.

At anytime, just know you can call on me.

In any place in any way, don’t worry my child.

I have all the patience in this world; I can wait a long while.

 

But don’t lose sight of me in the rain.

Then all you will ever see is your pain.

And Sunday school is not in session,

Because this is a flying lesson.

So Hold my hand, we will do this together

I am God. I’ll be with you forever.

A flying lesson? I said swiftly and excited.

That sounds too fun, is it okay to be delighted?

I mean, It seems You’re a bore the way they speak of you.

Don’t you punish and condemn like you’re known to do?

 

Punish and condemn? He questioned and smiled lightly.

Is that all they are saying about me?

Seems like my words are heavily mediated by my people.

You know, you have full access to my steeple?

 

NO! Because you are Holy and too far for me to reach.

Free access to you is not what they teach.

Don’t I have to be right with you to be considered?

Can you just fix me now like a wizard?

Your Holiness seems so cold and sterile.

Obvious to me, my life is in peril

 

He replied to me with so much love and Grace

Your heart I want. Your heart I chase.

Come to me as your are

Your idea of me is so far

I am Love, I am peace, I am your foundation

Believe in me child. I am your salvation.

 

 

Nothing More Than Feelings

We respond so hastily to our feelings. We may even pay more attention to our own feelings than the Written Word of God. There have been plenty of times when I felt God’s love for me was nonexistent, but I learned that those feelings were far from the truth. I listened to those lies over and over until scripture went through one ear and came out the other. Listening to our own feelings produces an invisible barrier around the heart that blocks the truth from entering. Ever felt like the pastor was preaching an encouraging, grace filled sermon that you felt didn’t apply to you? Those are feelings taking over preventing The Truth to come to life.

 
God has taught me through various trials that I had to pursue Him even in the hardest, busiest times of my life. When things are going smoothly, reading scripture is easy. Seeking God is no struggle. It’s when life takes over, when 24hrs isn’t enough to get things done, when everyday we’re in survival mode that we may stop making God priority without even knowing it. Making sure rent is paid is super important to all of us. Making sure there is food in the fridge for our children is vital. The enemy is keen to what matters to us the most and may choose to attack those areas to distract us. Yes, we pray and ask God for help but that 1 hour a day we used to seek His face sometimes turns to 10 minutes. Its human to respond to our feelings, to respond to an empty refrigerator, to a negative bank account, to loneliness, but it is spiritual to respond with urgency to the Holy Ghost.

 
Once we begin to push and bring ourselves out of the funk, we begin to see miracles. The struggle may not be over, but the anxiety disappears. We start to see the little love gestures God puts in front of us to show that He is in control… that He cares. There are many verses with stories of people who lost hope and God came through. Read them, and declare the restoration of your hope. Fight through the feelings, don’t give in! God has the last word.

 

Read about Sarah! Pregnant at old age???

Read about the woman with the issue of blood whos hope was restored

Moses also “felt” a certain way about himself

Eyes on the prize sister

Eyes on the prize sister,

What’s the reason why?

You look left and there she is

your enemy passing by.

She’s smiling and showing

all her great plans.

Eyes on the prize sister.

It’s a trap, grab my hand.

I’ll help you through it.

Wont beat you to it.

I’ll be by your side.

Helping you to the prize.

Eyes on the prize sister.

What glitters isn’t gold.

Listen to me my friend,

I’ll push you to the goal.

My prayers,

my compassion.

I love you within

Eyes on the prize sister.

When you win, I win.

 

 

Let Your Will Be Done

 

If you haven’t realized God’s character yet, you wouldn’t receive this blog the way it is intended to be received.

 

Only the courageous could pray “Let your will be done”. God’s will for us is not to be comfortable, it is not easy and its process produces tears like never before. “Let Your will be done” you say? Let’s examine those words…

 

Let:

 

Are you prepared to “let” and not fight it? Imagine caring for a toddler who loves to play in mud. Now, you spend a lot of your energy keeping him from going near mud. You sit him down but he gets up again, you put one of those child leashes on him and he screams, you take him elsewhere but you see him yearning for that mud. Then, a stranger passes by and says, “Just let him play in the mud”. Finally, you let him go and for some odd reason, there is peace. You sit down, relax, read a book peacefully knowing he is in the mud enjoying himself. Yes, in the back of your mind you know you must clean him up but that struggle doesn’t amount to the struggle of keeping him away from the mud. Letting God do His will in your life means that you are aware of the mess that will follow and can maintain your peace in the process. You obey His word and refrain from using alternatives to make the process easier. A great prize comes with a great fight and God’s will is never insignificant.

 

Your Will:

 

God is clear when He speaks about His will for all the believers.

 

Mark 16:15 And he said to them, “Go into all the world and proclaim the gospel to the whole creation.

 

If our deepest desires do not connect with Mark 16:15, I don’t think our plans would be aligned with God’s will for us. Yes, we have desires like getting married, having children, buying a home etc. but if those desires do not connect with God’s ultimate plan, we might realize that after obtaining what we want, we develop a desire for something else. The wants of the world never end. There is always something new we must get our hands on. When we trust God with our lives, our fleshy desires diminish. We find ourselves being please with what we have and prepared to share our abundance with those who do not. Once we submit to God’s will, God will then give us what we most desired. Scripture says,

 

Matthew 6:33 But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well

Be Done:

 

I know a woman who was ministered to about what God had planned for her life. She was supposed to leave her job and open her own business along with taking care of some ministerial duties. She was so down and distraught about how her finances at home and probably within a month, she went back on the job market to start working again. She heard the call, she obeyed but couldn’t go through with it. She lost faith in God because of what was going on around her. If we are aware of God’s character, we know that God uses the most impossible situation to manifest Himself. If at any time, we used our own strength to bring ourselves out of a mess, God could not get all the credit. He will step back from our problem and let you work it out yourself. I mean, He is a gentleman.

 

“Let Your will be done” isn’t a simple prayer. It requires one to deny himself completely for the prayer to come to life. This prayer isn’t for the faint at heart.